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What we give we get back.
This morning I was standing in line to buy corn at the Farmers Market. A woman I dont know was also waiting. She turned to me, smiling broadly, and said, This makes me glad to be alive. Beautiful Saturday morning, fresh corn! I looked at her, felt the connection, and smiled back, Me too. As I walked back to my car, I realized that her smile and the connection had lifted me
set me up for a great morning. I often think of systems as big and complex, like the environment, the economy, or the inner workings of a company. But two people are also a system. A system is defined as a group of interacting, interrelated, interdependent components that form a complex and unified whole. So my Farmers Market friend and I qualify. We interacted; we were interrelated as standers in the corn line, and we were definitely interdependent. She influenced me and I suspect that my response affected her back. In subtle, complex ways we connected and left smiling, uplifted. These small systems created by two people are at the center of most of our lives: these are the systems that sustain and support us and those that trouble and vex us as well.
I once met a retired divorce lawyer. He told me this amazing story. He had been very successful, helping dissolve marriages, getting the most for his clients. After he retired he began to wish he could help marriages repair instead of end, so he tried something new. He still practiced some law, so when people asked if he would represent them in a divorce, he said, I will. But Ive learned there is a simple way to make sure the process goes well. You must do it before Ill accept your case. For the next month, treat your spouse with utmost kindness. Do it genuinely, because you want a good divorce. Come back in a month and Ill help you. When he told me his story he had tried this method on six couples. The results had been identical. At the end of a month, the complainant came back and thanked him for saving the marriage. What theyd discovered is what Terry Warner promises: What we give we get back. Now I can hear someone saying You dont know so-and-so! I am consistently sweet to her and she treats me terribly. The truth is we can be sweet and outwardly cooperative, but if, underneath, were judgmental and negative, thats what she will feel and respond to. How we see others is communicated subtly and it affects how they see and respond to us.
If what Warner says is true, it is profound. Heres the good news: if a small system is stuck, only one heart needs to shift. Eventually the other will not be responding to the same person. The way to do this is to allow the truth of the other in, to allow ourselves to be influenced or touched by the other, which in itself touches the other. The small system reorganizes itself.
Sharon Eakes | 720 Maple Lane | Sewickley, PA 15143
FOCUS: Small Systems
DISCIPLINES: Personal Mastery, Systems Thinking
C. Terry Warner
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